I hesitated sharing my thoughts with the world, I don't like to whine, and even though I am pretty much an open-book, I don't want to be one of those TMI posters.
I continued saying:
"I am trying desperately to be okay with that. Reflection, a review of passions, setting new goals and redefining success all seem to be on the docket."
I knew there would be responses. Probably not many, because I am not really that popular of a Facebook fixture; My birthday greetings usually only include a handful of close friends and family and cute pictures of puppies get a max of dozens of Likes. But I knew there would be some....well-meaning, of course. But the content was cause for reflection:
"You will find someone...." Granted, I recently went through a pretty obnoxious break-up. Well, the break-up itself was annoyingly amicable, but the fact that you can spend 4 years of your life with someone to not have it go anywhere remains frustrating. But is this all of what I mean when I say, "I'm not where I thought I'd be." Granted, I thought I would be married, or at least planning a wedding by now. I want that forever commitment, but is my definition of success being in a relationship? That doesn't sound healthy.
Am I beautiful? Being at my heaviest weight in my life, I surely don't feel like it. And it isn't even so much the weight as what it stands for...the fact that I am woefully inactive and perhaps even a little lazy. That's isn't who I want to be. But my desk job makes me tired, I know I should go home and run a mile in the sun, but I'm lacking motivation. That's embarrassing.
My desk job makes me bored.So, am I fun and adventurous? It charms me to think that people see me as such, but I don't think that is who I am right now. Sure, I really want to go to the Redhead Festival in Breda, Netherlands in September, but can I really afford too? Would that be a smart choice?
Some time ago, I arbitrarily decided that 33 would be the best year (although isn't that how old Jesus was when he was crucified?). I don't know why, maybe I like the symmetry of it or it has some mystical properties I'm not aware of. But in order for it to be the best year, I've got to be the one who decides what that means and start making it happen.
